To say that I needed my close friends, is an understatement. I ached to be near them. I wanted to surround myself with those that truly knew me, the friends that bring me back to the core of who I am. Even if just for a moment of reprieve. The ticket was a reminder that I had a trip to look forward to, and I clung onto that as though it was a ticket to salvation.
Around 5:00, when I should have been at the airport,I found myself walking straight from work to Skinquake, a local tattoo parlor downtown. My plans had changed, probably 20 times since the day I bought the ticket. This is becoming a norm for me now. I was supposed to be in San Diego, canceled my trip for a shoot in Utah, which was postponed to meet my new boss, who was on his way from Las Vegas..and last minute he called and said he was unable to make it.
So..instead of picking up my bags at baggage claim, I was handing a piece of paper with a scribbled quote to some stranger, asking how much he would charge to jab a needle full of ink into my wrist.
"I think it will be around $80" He said. Handing me the quote back. He looked tired, and uninterested in having customers that night. Great.
I said, "good" and handed him my debit card.
"Right now? You want to get it right now?" He looked puzzled.
I guess he had expected me to put it off, think about it, see if I really wanted to go through with it. But no...at this point in my life, I am not putting things off anymore. It may sound impulsive, it may be..impulsive, illogical, whatever it may seem ...I am quite thrilled to be a multitude of labels that I will gladly wear to be myself. Whole, not part. All of me.
"Yes, Now." And then I signed the paperwork that basically said "Hi I won't sue you if my tattoo comes out like crap". Which by the way, almost DID come out like crap, he spelled it wrong the first time. Thank God I pay attention to the details...
I sat down and sent a text to Jazz (aka Jasmine) about how I was supposed to be in San Diego, not sitting alone and waiting to get a tattoo. I was sulking a bit. But at the same time glad to be doing something I had wanted to do, without hesitation or regret. And I was doing it alone. Something that had become new to me this year, traveling alone for example, and now this.
I wasn't nervous about it being painful, because quite honestly..feeling at all was relief to me. I hadn't cried in probably 6 months until recently. I thought I was quite happy, and in many ways I was. But I hadn't faced or dealt with the parts of me that I unknowingly masked for months, and years. And bit by bit I began stripping it down, ..and in the past couple months I ripped the last bandage off.
So here lies a gaping wound, that I will leave unnamed. The wound represents a lot that is personal to me. But it is healing, and in the end it will be a faded scar that will serve as a reminder of many battles I faced at once in my life, and overcame. Everyone has battles. This isn't an astounding fact, we all do..I'm just sharing a piece of my own, perhaps it will help someone else. I am keeping it rather vague.
Finally it was time to be tatted. It hurt. I'm not gonna lie. It felt like someone held a match to my wrist, and reassured .."you won't feel a thing, it won't hurt that much". Really? Because I can think of surgeries that were less painful.! So I grinned and bared it. I didn't say a word I just kept my eyes fixated on the artwork hung on the walls, which were beautiful by the way.The tattoo artist looked a little uncomfortable by my quietness "are you okay?"..
"Yes. Im fine." And I was. I was thinking, and focusing on the pain as if I could channel it into what i was feeling inside, and let it go physically through the pain in my wrist.
Four weeks ago in the midst of all my stress, I called Jazz (she is my rock, by the way), I was having a low moment and needed her to give me some uplifting words..she asked me "where are you what are you doing?".
"I'm walking into Borders to get coffee and sit and relax". Literally I was walking in the doors, choking back tears of frustration.
"Buy the book Eat, Pray and Love".
"I don't read much, but I will, I'm getting coffee first and reading magazines.." I was trailing off as she chimed in..
"Char, Buy it. Now. This is a direct order." She was only half joking. Mostly not.
I bought it, grabbed my coffee and drove home. I pulled the book out of my bag and began reading it. Within the first few pages I felt my face getting hot, and I couldn't hold back the tears. I knew why she had told me to buy it now. And I am so thankful that she did. In the middle of confusion, it is harder to see the clear picture, sometimes the only way we can step back and see it is through the eyes of someone else, and through their story.
I feel renewed, refreshed, and broken. I feel alive, awake, and vulnerable. I feel strong, determined, and fragile. I am a mix of much right now. And I appreciate every moment, the good and the bad. Maybe not right away, but over time I do.
That weekend I didn't get to go to San Diego. Instead I spent the weekend with another close friend of mine. That Saturday morning I woke up, and we sat by her Christmas tree admiring the sparkling lights. It was peaceful, and calming. She made me a delicious cinnamon cappuccino, stuffed me with dark chocolate (hardly the diet of a fitness model, mind you) and listened to me talk through my thoughts. We relaxed and went to the winery later that day, and cried and laughed over many memories we shared. And I knew that although I wasn't where I had expected to be, I was exactly where I needed to be.
Today, I am not where I expected to be, but I am exactly where I should be. In the middle of hard times, the bigger picture is never what it seems to be. It will manifest itself when you take the focus off of the situation. Perhaps it comes when reading a story, or at night when you are praying alone in your bed, through the advice of a friend, music, or poetry. The focus comes many times when you are not focusing on the situation at all.
Happiness is a learning process. Fulfillment doesn't happen through someone or something tangible. Only you can find it for yourself. People can lead you, but they cannot have it for you. Don't let inner joy be dictated by circumstance, or defined by the chaos that surrounds life. There are always reasons to be upset and distraught, just as there are reasons to be thankful and at peace. Strive to find this place of peace. Relish the quietness, the pureness of who you are when no one else is around.
You are your greatest push to succeed, your strongest supporter, and whomever you pray to- and your heart- is your ultimate guide. Never let the judgment of another person affect your peace, or dictate your emotions. Life is too short to not enjoy each moment for what it is. Renew yourself daily. Love and appreciate life, yourself, and others. It is a choice, ..I am not only writing it..I am choosing to take it.
xoxo
Char
Photos of my tattoo
The quote is in latin:Non Ducor Duco: "I am not led, I lead"
A quote of mine, that I truly love..
A quote I live by:
"Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing at all."
I'm ready for change. Tear me down, build me up.
This road will be anything but a road of comfort and predictability.
Let the challenge begin.
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